What Went Wrong with the Wii U

2011

Nintendo: We call it… the Wii U!

Third Party Developers: It’s an add-on for the Wii?

Nintendo: No! It’s a brand new console! The system that revolves around YOU!

TPDs: That’s the tagline for the Xbox 360 but… sure. So what does it do?

Nintendo: Well it’s got this tablet controller…

TPDs: Uh huh.

Nintendo: …which is a fully functioning touch screen combined with a full-featured traditional controller.

TPDs: So it’s a portable console. Like a Gameboy?

Nintendo: No. I mean, yes, you can play entire games on it but the actual console needs to be turned on and in range.

TPDs: So it’s… wait what?

Nintendo: The Gamepad is made for unique and exciting second-screen experiences! For example, hide and seek. One player, holding the Gamepad, is the hider, and the other players – the seekers – are using regular Wiimotes and playing on the TV in split screen.

TPDs: …

Nintendo: Or it can just display maps and inventory or whatever…

TPDs: OK so what kind of processor-

Nintendo: Of course that’s just two possibilities! We’re confident creative, ambitious developers like yourselves will come up with tons of clever ways to use this thing and make gaming experiences nobody’s ever seen before!

TPDs: Well we find that most of our customers just want to play first person shooters and RPGs with a regular controller. Can it do that?

Nintendo: Yeah, totally! It can play your boring old Skyrims and Calls of Duty (no offense), they’ll just be a little, you know, maybe not so graphically… awesome…

TPDs: What do you mean?

Nintendo: Well the Wii U Gamepad is just so amazing it uses quite a bit of processing power just to run it so the games themselves are – purely graphics-wise – about Wii level…

TPDs: Yikes. This comes out next year?

Nintendo: Let’s not get hung up on the specs here guys. The important thing is we’ve created the golden opportunity for you guys to really dig deep and stretch those creative muscles we KNOW you’ve been dying to use! We can’t wait to see what kind of quirky, innovative ideas you come up with to take advantage of our new controller which is also its own independent touch screen!

TPDs: Um… yeah us too… for sure. Tell you what, we’ll have some talks about what we can make for this… thing. And we’ll call YOU.

Nintendo: Like Wii U! Good one, guys!

TPDs: sigh… Jesus.

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